[Dragaera] Gift Shop

[Jerry Friedman]

hile joining in the general commendation of Davdi's idea
(and Mark Mandel's condemnation of the "reply to sender"
default--but thanks to Scott for returning this to me!),
I have a few suggestions.

You got rid of the un-Paarfic "fused participle" in just the
way I would have, and I especially like the last three words,
but the repeated "A and B" construction doesn't sound right to
me.  Also, I'd like to adhere more strictly to your suggestions
about efficiency and emphasizing what the parents spent.  Also
fewer "that"s.

My honored parents, in search of diversion from their cares
and duties, sojourned at some expense in Dragaera City at just
that cusp in history when the conflict between Emperor Tortaalik
and Lord Adron e'Kieron, the Dragon Heir, erupted into open
rebellion, culminating in the transformation of the city into
the Lesser Sea of Chaos, and, while I am grateful, indeed, that
they escaped the Disaster with their lives, I was disappointed
to receive as a memento of the doomed city only this simple
garment that you see, of cheap, lightweight fabric with
truncated sleeves and collar; a mere shirt.
   --  A certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.

Sorry, no art suggestions.  By the way, I could dispense
with "A certain Gentleman..."

My other favorite is Matthew Jennings's suggestion of "Don't
tell them I meant well" with the city or palace dissolving
into Chaos.

Jerry Friedman

--- Scott Schultz <scott at cjhunter.com> wrote:

> Hmmm... minor re-write.
>
> It chanced to transpire that my esteemed and honored parents,
> in search of rest and diversion from their daily cares and duties,
> arrived in Dragaera City in at just that cusp in history when the
> conflict between Emperor Tortaalik and Lord Adron e'Kieron,
> the Dragon Heir, erupted into open rebellion; culminating in the
> dissolution of the city and its transformation into the Lesser Sea
> of Chaos, and, while I am grateful, indeed, that they escaped the
> Disaster with their lives, I was disappointed to learn that the only
> memento of the doomed city that they procured for me was this
> very plain and simple garment that you  see now before you, with
> its truncated sleeves and sadly cheap and lightweight fabric; a mere
> shirt.
>   --  A certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
>
> The goal of this version being to emphasize the "vacation" and "my
> parents
> were willing to spend a bundle on themselves but couldn't be bothered
 to
> put
> any thought or money into a souvenier for me" aspects of the "lousy
> t-shirt"
> meme.
>


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