[Dragaera] Giddy T-shirt par-ergon

[Rick Castello]

On Mon, January 14, 2008 11:20 am, Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> On Jan 14, 2008 9:46 AM, Rick Castello wrote:
>
>>      Agreed... and though I'm a bit late to the party on this, having
>>      avoided my mailbox studiously for the weekend's time, I find that
>>      I prefer the earlier versions that left out so much description
>>      about the parents' status in life...
>
> Well, that's the result when a Paarfi sentence is designed by a comittee.
>
>>      It feels like "diminishing duties and mounting cares", etc is a bit
>>      much to me and lessens the "punch".
>
> Hm.  Just that clause, or the rest about traveling and sojourning as well?
>
> Is this better? :
>
> My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
> diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense (enjoying tolerably
> fine meals and entertainments), (&c)

     For my own tastes, I find this much better.

     I would not even blanch at the removal of the parenthetical phrase,
     thus allowing the spectacle of the collapse to keep more of the focus
     in the narrative, increasing the final surprise that this flowery and
     descriptive discourse is none but a whiny scion upset about the
     lack of loot brought back by the esteemed parental units.

     Y'know... start off telling a detailed tale of grisly woe, then *BAM*
     hit 'em with the mundane, and dare I say - delightfully tacky,
     punch line.

     Who says Paarfi can't have a good sense of comic timing?  *grin*

     -Rick