[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...
Elizabeth Dalton
dalton_0907 at gaeacoop.org
Mon Jan 14 12:54:29 PST 2008
Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> Hm. We can go tubeless...
>
> "was the simple garment that you see before you, which, you perceive,
> is of sadly cheap and common fabric, and an untailored, buttonless,
> collarless design that slides closely over the torso and arms, mocking
> their shape: this very shirt."
>
> Too long? Lacking punch? Can has punch?
I can has punch? (Maybe no more punch... feeling a bit giddy as it is,
after all these text transformations....)
I think you could skip "that slides...shape." I can fit a lot of words
in a 10x10 square, but I like the punch of this conclusion:
"was the simple garment that you see before you, which, you perceive,
is of sadly cheap and common fabric, and an untailored, buttonless,
collarless design: this very shirt."
In addtion, I very nearly like the parentheses-less description of the
activities in Dragaera city. I favor the stress on the decadence (if I
may call it that) prominent in Dragaera City at that time, as well as
the ironic contrast with the quality of the souvenir received as a
result of the visit.
--
Elizabeth Dalton
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