[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...

[Jot Powers]

On Mon, Jan 14, 2008 at 04:13:10PM -0800, Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> A very minor rearrangement of words:
> 
> "the simple garment that you see before you, which, you perceive, is
> much like a plain buttonless short tunic of sadly cheap and common
> fabric: this very shirt."
> 
> Better? Worse?

I like this better.  The previous version had:

"[...] tunic: this very shirt."

Having tunic and shirt right next to each other seemed redundant.

The spacing here is better.

I'm not sure "much like" is necessary.

I'm also not sure that spending more committee time is going to 
improve it.  :)

It may in fact be time to determine whether or not the best course
of action is to remain, pondering the imponderables, whilst atop the
chamber vessel, or perhaps instead it is time to consider the duties
that brought us there, complete them, and move on with the rest of
our business.

:)

-Jot

-- 
 Jot Powers      http://www.superpowers.us      <books at bofh.com>
Bumper Sticker: The Liver is Evil, and must be punished.