[Dragaera] Is less more Paarfict?

[Davdi Silverrock]

Once again, a multiple response:


On Jan 17, 2008 1:16 PM, David Dyer-Bennet wrote:
>
> "in the city" could be omitted; at least in the short version.
>

And indeed, if you will do me the honor to carefully note the short
version, the entire subclause has been replaced by the single word
"unrest".


On Jan 17, 2008 1:17 PM, Howard Brazee wrote:
>
> I don't care for "nearly unremarkable" at all.
>

*Shrugs helplessly*  Without more explication, or suggestion for a
more felicitous phrasing, I can only assert that I find that
particular combination of words amusing.


On Jan 17, 2008 1:44 PM, Scott Schultz wrote:
>
> I think that when you design something by committee that you're never going
> to done until somone with authority draws a line in the sand and says "This
> is the final version".
>

I agree.  However, I suspect that if a certain period of time (say, 48
hrs?) goes by without changes being suggested or made, it will be
understood by all that the design is, de facto, complete.

> I'll suggest a version that flows a bit more comfortably for me, but I
> expect I'll buy a shirt no matter what the final form so take that for what
> it's worth. ;-) I find that juxtaposing "you perceive" and "you now see
> before you" feels redundant, rather like "ATM machine".

Flow is important to me as well, and I agree that "you now see before
you" is currently sufficiently redundant that I think I can excise it.
 I also reworded it in other places.

> I would actually
> make this shorter but I'm acknowledging the unstate goal of including the
> phrases "nearly", "you perceive" and "honor of".

Well, the overt goal is to sound like Paarfi, and turn the knob up to
"11". Including as many of his pet phrases as possible follows
naturally from that.

However, I note that there is also a goal, originally unstated, which
we have been trying to follow for the past few revisions, of starting
with "My" and ending with "shirt".  In addition to breaking that
phrasing, I note that "commemoration of the journey" is precisely
redundant to "token of their adventure".

But consider the flow of the next revisions.