[Dragaera] Giddy T-shirt par-ergon

[Jerry Friedman]

--- Davdi Silverrock <davdisil at gmail.com> wrote:

> On Jan 12, 2008 5:13 PM, Philip Hart wrote:
> 
> > I don't like "destruction and transformation of the city and its
> environs
> > into the Lesser Sea of Chaos" though - the lack of parallelism for the
> > verbs wrt "into" is jarring.  Maybe "destruction of the city and its
> > environs and their transformation into the Lesser Sea of Chaos".
> >
> 
> Excellent point.  Clarity is crucial.  Or as the noble C. Sophronia
> Cleebers has put it: "You have to be orderly when you pile up that
> many clauses at once; otherwise they'll fall over."
> 
> Revision Mk 12 (how about the "two words" at the end?):
> 
> My esteemed mother and father, in search of diversion from their
> diminishing duties and mounting cares, traveled to Dragaera City and
> sojourned there at no small expense (enjoying tolerably fine meals and
> wines), just at that crucial point in our history when riots and
> uprisings inflamed the city and the conflict between the Dragon Heir
> Lord Adron e'Kieron and the Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into
> open rebellion, culminating in the destruction of the city and its
> environs and their transformation into the Lesser Sea of Chaos, and
> while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune to escape
> the Disaster with their lives, all that I had the honor to receive as
> a token of their adventure was this very garment that you see before
> you, and which, you perceive, is made of cheap, lightweight fabric --
> a mere buttonless, collarless, short-sleeved shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
> 
> 
> Um. I noticed that Cafepress has *long* sleeved T-shirts as well.
> Should I reword that final phrase?

Now that you've pointed that out, Elizabeth will no doubt offer
Mk. 11.1 and 12.1 (I didn't know that gospel had so many chapters),
without "short-sleeved", for the long-sleeved model.

I particularly like "had the honor to receive", "token", and
"buttonless".  I think it's fine as one sentence.

"Two words" is an excellent thought, but where it is, it doesn't
strike me as particularly Paarfi-like.  The earlier it goes, the
more words come after it, but I can't find any place earlier than
"and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
to escape the Disaster with their lives, well, if I may say [or
"if the reader will permit"] two words about what I had the honor
to receive as a token of their adventure, it consisted entirely
in this very garment..."  You already know many places where words
can be taken out if you need to compensate, or, indeed, for
readability.  The "well", I think, is needed for that
all-important clarity.

Jerry Friedman


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