[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...

[Maximilian Wilson]

On Jan 14, 2008 6:35 PM, Davdi Silverrock <davdisil at gmail.com> wrote:
> On Jan 14, 2008 5:14 PM, Maximilian Wilson wrote:
>
> [v 18 ]
> >
> > To be quite frank, I like it rather less than 17.
> >
>
> Well, that's straightforward enough.  However, without a clearer
> explanation of where I might have gone wrong, I cannot possibly begin
> to think of how to change the situation.
>
> Does the simple word "tunic" somehow defuse the irony?

Oh, okay, let me be more specific about 18. I've been reluctant to
voice too much of my own opinion because I'm probably not a typical
reader, but since you ask:

Revision Mk 18 [quoted for reference]:

My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense, enjoying the
city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments, just at that crucial
point in our history when, in addition to unrest and uprisings in the
city, the conflict between the Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the
Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion, culminating in
the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that
my parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster with their
lives, the only token of their adventure that I had the honor of
receiving was the simple garment that you see before you, which, you
perceive, is of sadly cheap and common fabric, designed much like a
plain buttonless short tunic: this very shirt.
 --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.

1.) I could live without the parenthetical remark about "in addition
to uprisings." Paarfi is probably being ironic here because uprisings
are hardly worthy to be mentioned in the same breath as the
destruction of the heart of the Dragaeran Empire, but the irony
doesn't add enough humor to be worth the distraction. Strunk & White
would disapprove of that clause, I think.

2.) I love the violent imagery here: "culminating in the explosion of
raw amorphia that transformed the city and its environs into the
Lesser Sea of Chaos."

3.) I like everything up to and included "of sadly cheap and common
fabric." The following phrase, "designed much like a plain," &c, is
sixteen syllables where I feel the flow of the joke requires at most
three or four. SKZB's blog recently referenced a limerick:

There was a young man from Iran
Whose limericks would never quite scan
When told this was so,
He replied, "Yes, I know.
It happens because I always try to fit as many syllables into the very
last line as I possibly can."

In particular, I dislike "designed much like." "Resembling" would be
more Paarfi-ish, but in my humble opinion even this is overkill
because the shirt is right there before the reader. Perhaps if I knew
why Paarfi felt compelled to comment on the design of the shirt I
would know what it is you're trying to express here. In contrast, Mk.
17 has only three syllables in the punch line:

"the simple garment that you see before you, which, you perceive, is
of sadly cheap and common fabric, and solid, buttonless design: this
very shirt."

I don't mind two adjectives on "design," although I liked the
suggestion of "unimaginative" instead of "solid."

4.) As mentioned before, I like "Two words from a certain..."

I'm sure I have said much more than two words by now. :)

-Max

-- 
"The presentation or 'gift' of the Holy Ghost simply confers upon a
man the right to receive at any time, when he is worthy of it and
desires it, the power and light of truth of the Holy Ghost, although
he may often be left to his own spirit and judgment." --Joseph F.
Smith (manual, p. 69)

Be pretty if you are,
Be witty if you can,
But be cheerful if it kills you.