[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...

[Rick Castello]

On Tue, January 15, 2008 4:07 pm, Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> The text now stands as follows:
>
> Rev Mk 19:
>
> My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
> diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense, enjoying the
> city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments, just at that crucial
> point in our history when, subsequent to unrest and uprisings in the
> city, the conflict between the Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the
> Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion, culminating in
> the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
> environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that
> my parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster with their
> lives, the only token of their adventure that I had the honor of
> receiving was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,
> which, you perceive, is short, bland, buttonless, and of sadly cheap
> and common fabric: -- this very shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
>
>
> Being unfortunately overly-concerned with inserting as many
> Paarfi-phrases as possible, I did think of the following change:
>
> "[...] and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
> to escape the Disaster with their lives, they pretended that due to
> the haste of their departure from the city, the only token of their
> adventure they could do me the honor of providing me was the plain and
> simple garment that you see before you, [&c.]"
>
> However, being mindful of the noble Ms. Dalton's concerns about
> fitting all of the text into the appropriate template in a readable
> font, I shall not insist on it.  Although this is not much longer than
> the text above, now I think of it.
>
> "[...] and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
> to escape the Disaster with their lives, they pretended that the only
> token of their adventure they could do me the honor of providing me
> was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,  [&c.]"
>
> I await, as ever, comments from anyone who has an interest in
> commenting upon the text.

     I cannot help but think "TLDR" (Too Long, Didn't Read)

     True, most of Paarfi can read as TLDR to some, but I think fondly
     back on the original version of this splendid idea, which was a
     wonderful thing in that it was long enough to evoke long-winded
     Paarfi, but short enough not to feel like it were long simply to
     beat Paarfi's deceased equine with its wordiness.

     My own suggestion, perhaps?

     Requoting Rev 19 here for easier comparison to the edits below:

> My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
> diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense, enjoying the
> city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments, just at that crucial
> point in our history when, subsequent to unrest and uprisings in the
> city, the conflict between the Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the
> Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion, culminating in
> the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
> environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that
> my parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster with their
> lives, the only token of their adventure that I had the honor of
> receiving was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,
> which, you perceive, is short, bland, buttonless, and of sadly cheap
> and common fabric: -- this very shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.

     Rev 19.42.fnord:

My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
diversion, enjoying the city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments
at no small expense but with unfortunate timing, for they visited
during that crucial point in our history when the conflict between the
Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted
into open rebellion, and culminated in the Disaster - an explosion of raw
amorphia that transformed the city and its environs into the Lesser Sea
of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
to escape with their lives, the only token of their adventure that I had
the honor of receiving was this plain and simple shirt.
 --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.

     (rearranged "at no small expense", changed "just at that crucial
     point", which made it seem a bit as if they were tornado-chasers,
     trimmed some more)

     11 lines (3 lines saved)

     Tune away at the punctuation - it may need revising - my eye was to
     the wording.

     I had an even more severe edit in mind as well, you may appreciate:

     Rev 19.42.fnord.2:

My esteemed parents traveled to Dragaera City, enjoying the city's tolerably
fine meals and entertainments at no small expense but with unfortunate timing,
for they visited during that crucial time when the conflict between Lord Adron
e'Kieron and Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion and culminated in
the Disaster - an explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos.  While I am indeed glad that they escaped
with their lives, the only token of my parents' adventure that I had the honor
of receiving was this plain and simple shirt.
 --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.


     8.5 lines, 5.5 lines saved, more trimmings.

     While I realize that the original goal was to emulate the splendidly
     wordy Paarfi, I fairly think that the above revisions still contain
     a tolerably good number of words, and perhaps may fit on shirts in
     more readable fashion, while retaining the overall thrust of the joke.

     Thoughts?

     -Rick