[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...

[Elizabeth Dalton]

I favor leaving in "of sadly cheap and common fabric" or something like 
that, but I think the "...but with unfortunate timing, for..." edit is 
brilliant.

e

Rick Castello wrote:
> On Tue, January 15, 2008 4:07 pm, Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> 
>>The text now stands as follows:
>>
>>Rev Mk 19:
>>
>>My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
>>diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense, enjoying the
>>city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments, just at that crucial
>>point in our history when, subsequent to unrest and uprisings in the
>>city, the conflict between the Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the
>>Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion, culminating in
>>the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
>>environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that
>>my parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster with their
>>lives, the only token of their adventure that I had the honor of
>>receiving was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,
>>which, you perceive, is short, bland, buttonless, and of sadly cheap
>>and common fabric: -- this very shirt.
>> --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
>>
>>
>>Being unfortunately overly-concerned with inserting as many
>>Paarfi-phrases as possible, I did think of the following change:
>>
>>"[...] and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
>>to escape the Disaster with their lives, they pretended that due to
>>the haste of their departure from the city, the only token of their
>>adventure they could do me the honor of providing me was the plain and
>>simple garment that you see before you, [&c.]"
>>
>>However, being mindful of the noble Ms. Dalton's concerns about
>>fitting all of the text into the appropriate template in a readable
>>font, I shall not insist on it.  Although this is not much longer than
>>the text above, now I think of it.
>>
>>"[...] and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
>>to escape the Disaster with their lives, they pretended that the only
>>token of their adventure they could do me the honor of providing me
>>was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,  [&c.]"
>>
>>I await, as ever, comments from anyone who has an interest in
>>commenting upon the text.
> 
> 
>      I cannot help but think "TLDR" (Too Long, Didn't Read)
> 
>      True, most of Paarfi can read as TLDR to some, but I think fondly
>      back on the original version of this splendid idea, which was a
>      wonderful thing in that it was long enough to evoke long-winded
>      Paarfi, but short enough not to feel like it were long simply to
>      beat Paarfi's deceased equine with its wordiness.
> 
>      My own suggestion, perhaps?
> 
>      Requoting Rev 19 here for easier comparison to the edits below:
> 
> 
>>My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
>>diversion, and sojourned there at no small expense, enjoying the
>>city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments, just at that crucial
>>point in our history when, subsequent to unrest and uprisings in the
>>city, the conflict between the Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the
>>Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion, culminating in
>>the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
>>environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that
>>my parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster with their
>>lives, the only token of their adventure that I had the honor of
>>receiving was the plain and simple garment that you see before you,
>>which, you perceive, is short, bland, buttonless, and of sadly cheap
>>and common fabric: -- this very shirt.
>> --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
> 
> 
>      Rev 19.42.fnord:
> 
> My esteemed mother and father traveled to Dragaera City in search of
> diversion, enjoying the city's tolerably fine meals and entertainments
> at no small expense but with unfortunate timing, for they visited
> during that crucial point in our history when the conflict between the
> Dragon Heir Lord Adron e'Kieron and the Phoenix Emperor Tortaalik erupted
> into open rebellion, and culminated in the Disaster - an explosion of raw
> amorphia that transformed the city and its environs into the Lesser Sea
> of Chaos; and while I am indeed glad that my parents had the good fortune
> to escape with their lives, the only token of their adventure that I had
> the honor of receiving was this plain and simple shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
> 
>      (rearranged "at no small expense", changed "just at that crucial
>      point", which made it seem a bit as if they were tornado-chasers,
>      trimmed some more)
> 
>      11 lines (3 lines saved)
> 
>      Tune away at the punctuation - it may need revising - my eye was to
>      the wording.
> 
>      I had an even more severe edit in mind as well, you may appreciate:
> 
>      Rev 19.42.fnord.2:
> 
> My esteemed parents traveled to Dragaera City, enjoying the city's tolerably
> fine meals and entertainments at no small expense but with unfortunate timing,
> for they visited during that crucial time when the conflict between Lord Adron
> e'Kieron and Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion and culminated in
> the Disaster - an explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city and its
> environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos.  While I am indeed glad that they escaped
> with their lives, the only token of my parents' adventure that I had the honor
> of receiving was this plain and simple shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
> 
> 
>      8.5 lines, 5.5 lines saved, more trimmings.
> 
>      While I realize that the original goal was to emulate the splendidly
>      wordy Paarfi, I fairly think that the above revisions still contain
>      a tolerably good number of words, and perhaps may fit on shirts in
>      more readable fashion, while retaining the overall thrust of the joke.
> 
>      Thoughts?
> 
>      -Rick
> 
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-- 
--
Elizabeth Dalton
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