[Dragaera] a new filk. Rated R, at least

[Mark Mandel]

If you've read Terry Pratchett's _Wyrd Sisters_, you know about the Hedgehog
song. A few lines are quoted there and it's mentioned several times -- e.g.,

Granny navigated through the press of bodies by the sound of a cracked voice
explaining to the world at large that, compared to an unbelievable variety
of other animals, the hedgehog was quite fortunate. (Pp. 86-87)
-- and I'm pretty sure it's mentioned in other Discworld novels as well.
Several people have written versions of it, including your humble servant <
http://filk.cracksandshards.com/Hedgehog.html>. For some reason, my family
asks me NOT to sing that one in their hearing.

It occurred to me last month that
* The Hedgehog song is canonically known to have at least 17 verses.
* The Cycle...
well, you can see where this is going.

I've stuck a double column of asterisks down the whole length of the song in
case you want to skip past it, though I can't imagine why anyone would want
to.




DDMMoD: Discworld/Dragaera Musical Miscegenation of Doom
ttto The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All <
http://filk.cracksandshards.com/Hedgehog.html>
  sheet music: <http://filk.cracksandshards.com/Hedgehog-score.gif>
(c)2008 Mark A. Mandel
08.10.20 11:43 pm - 08.11.1 2:06 pm
DDMMoD: Discworld/Dragaera Musical Miscegenation of Doom
ttto The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All (my version)
(c)2008 Mark A. Mandel
08.10.20 11:43 pm - 08.11.1 2:06 pm

**** ****  The decadent Phoenix is plenty of fun
**** ****  With drinking or drugs or an old-fashioned brawl
**** ****  Or a roll in the hay by the front or the bum
**** ****  But the Phoenix Reborn can't be buggered at all.
**** ****      Roll them all over the whole Cycle 'round,
**** ****      The Phoenix reborn can't be buggered at all.
**** ****
**** ****  The Dragon will always be ready to duel
**** ****  But you have to be sure that the terms are your call.
**** ****  Let _him_ give the challenge, then _you_ name the tool!
**** ****  But the Phoenix Reborn can't be buggered at all.
**** ****      Roll...
**** ****
**** ****  The Lyorn will chronicle every last drink,
**** ****  The duration, the place, and the time of each fall.
**** ****  Bring a good sturdy pen and a horn full of ink.
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Tiassa is ready to offer his bum;
**** ****  In fact, he's already expecting your call.
**** ****  He knows when you're coming -- and knows when you'll come --
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Hawk is far-sighted and always on watch.
**** ****  He'll know what you want while you're too far to call
**** ****  By the gleam in your eye and the bulge in your crotch
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  When you visit the Dzur, bring a friend and a brother
**** ****  Or two, or you'll only be wasting your call:
**** ****  For fewer than three it just ain't worth his bother--
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Issola politely will offer his back.
**** ****  He never will say you're too big or too small.
**** ****  But later you'll yield to his counterattack
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  After eight or nine rounds with the Tsalmoth, you might
**** ****  With good reason expect to be hitting the wall,
**** ****  But you'll find you stay up for the rest of the night--
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Vallista can deal with the biggest of men.
**** ****  He'll demolish your tower, no matter how tall,
**** ****  Then he'll start at the base and erect it again
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Jhereg will probably give you his best
**** ****  Although at a price __ that's apt to appal:
**** ****  A piece of your action with all of the rest!
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Iorich with justice is mainly concerned.
**** ****  He'll take all you've got till your pump starts to stall,
**** ****  But then he'll insist that the tables be turned,
**** ****  While...
**** ****
**** ****  Beware of the traps the Chreotha has set
**** ****  To catch the unwary who into them fall
**** ****  Or, if you like bondage, jump straight in his net
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  The Yendi will never do what you expect.
**** ****  If you look in the yard, he'll be over the wall.
**** ****  When you go to the wall, he'll turn UP right beHIND you,
**** ****  AND the ...
**** ****
**** ****  The Orca is tough, if he sails true to form,
**** ****  And he may make you feel like a chip in a squall.
**** ****  But you know what they say: Any port in a storm,
**** ****  And...
**** ****
**** ****  The Teckla, of course, will be certain to yield
**** ****  But he does have his pride, as you should recall
**** ****  Or he's apt to complain of your plowing _his_ field
**** ****  And...
**** ****
**** ****  If you find the Jhegaala the finest of men,
**** ****  Pursue him at once, never stop, never stall,
**** ****  For you know that he'll change, but you never know when
**** ****  And...
**** ****
**** ****  The Athyra will likely suspect your intent
**** ****  So apologize first, for your brashness and gall,
**** ****  But you're begging his help with an EXperiMENT.
**** ****  But...
**** ****
**** ****  You will never win over the Phoenix reborn,
**** ****  So find consolation in having a ball:
**** ****  On the last night take all of the others in turn!
**** ****  For...
**** ****


Mark A. Mandel
The Filker With No Nickname
http://filk.cracksandshards.com