[Dragaera] Gift Shop
Davdi Silverrock
davdisil at gmail.com
Wed Jan 9 07:56:49 PST 2008
Tweaked the wording a bit more; "erupted" is more active and vivid
than "occurred", and thus more appropriate to a conflict; the language
of what happened to the city avoids the passive voice; and the ending
now avoids the whole issue of needing a semicolon, and is more
Paarfian to boot, I nearly think.
Still pondering the "sojourned" vs. "journeyed on a visit" issue.
Trying now with "journeyed to visit". After all, I am trying to
create an analog of "went to"....
Take 8 (will there be 17? Who can say?):
It so chanced to transpire that my beloved and honorable parents
journeyed to visit Dragaera City just at that cusp of History when the
conflict between Lord Adron e'Kieron and the Emperor Tortaalik erupted
and climaxed with said city and its environs dissolving and
transforming into the Lesser Sea of Chaos, and while my parents were
indeed enormously fortunate in escaping the Disaster with their lives,
the only memento of the doomed city that they were able to procure for
me was this very plain and simple garment that you now behold, and
which, you will perceive, is merely a shirt made from sadly cheap and
lightweight fabric with truncated sleeves.
-- A certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
PS: I just checked and the sentence is 11 words longer than a drabble.
I could tweak it a bit more...
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