[Dragaera] Striving towards Paarfiction...

[Davdi Silverrock]

On Jan 14, 2008 8:28 PM, Maximilian Wilson wrote:
>

>
> 1.) I could live without the parenthetical remark about "in addition
> to uprisings." Paarfi is probably being ironic here because uprisings
> are hardly worthy to be mentioned in the same breath as the
> destruction of the heart of the Dragaeran Empire, but the irony
> doesn't add enough humor to be worth the distraction. Strunk & White
> would disapprove of that clause, I think.

I think Paarfi would include the uprisings in order to cast a sharp
contrast with the immediately preceding descriptions of luxury, so as
to emphasize the implications of the decadence of the milieu, thus
adding a slight, subtle condemnation of the parents even here.  Or
something like that.

I'm thinking of a slight rephrase to: "just at that crucial point in
our history when, subsequent to unrest and uprisings in the city"

>
> 3.) I like everything up to and included "of sadly cheap and common
> fabric." The following phrase, "designed much like a plain," &c, is
> sixteen syllables where I feel the flow of the joke requires at most
> three or four.

OK, clunky, overextended phrasing.  Got it.

See my recent response to Mr. Friedman, which I hope tightens things up.

> In particular, I dislike "designed much like." "Resembling" would be
> more Paarfi-ish, but in my humble opinion even this is overkill
> because the shirt is right there before the reader. Perhaps if I knew
> why Paarfi felt compelled to comment on the design of the shirt I
> would know what it is you're trying to express here.
>

I think Paarfi is trying to emphasize the featurelessness and
T-shirt-ness by way of extended repetition.

That Paarfi.  Such a kvetch...