[Dragaera] Gift Shop

[Davdi Silverrock]

On 1/8/08, Frank Mayhar wrote:
>
> Try
>
> It so chanced to transpire that my beloved and honourable parents
> holidayed in Dragaera City at that cusp of History when the conflict
> between Lord Adron e'Kieron and the Emperor Tortaalik climaxed in said
> city and its environs being dissolved and transformed into the Lesser
> Sea of Chaos, and while my parents were indeed enormously fortunate in
> escaping the Disaster with their lives, they were able to procure for me
> as a memento of their visit to the doomed city only this very garment
> you see before you, which is, as can be plainly seen, of the
> truncated-sleeve variety, made of a sadly cheap and lightweight fabric.
>
> A little better, I dare to think?
>

Well, "climaxed" is indeed a stronger, we might even say robust, word
than "resulted".   I think it stays. Yet the ending still bothers me.

I was trying to phrase things so that an obvious analog of "all they
got me" would be clearly visible, and yours has the "only" far from
"they were able to procure for me", which strikes me as a bit awkward
(although it may not be possible to avoid awkwardness).  Still, I
shall ponder a bit further.

Hm.  I just realized that the "see before you" and "plainly see" are a
bit too redundant.

Take 3 (4?):

", and while my parents were indeed enormously fortunate in escaping
the Disaster with their lives, the only memento of their visit to the
doomed city that they were able to procure for me was this very shirt
that I am now wearing, with its truncated sleeves and sadly cheap and
lightweight fabric, as one can plainly see."

I like "garment" better if it is indeed decided to put the words on
other garments (sweatshirts and whatnot), although then we would
obviously have to strike "truncated sleeves".