[Dragaera] A Paarfict Storm

[David Dyer-Bennet]

Davdi Silverrock wrote:
> Elizabeth pointed out problems with the grammar and flow of the ending
> that bothered me as well.  I finally decided to rewrite the ending
> entirely, move a Paarfiism, and then ended up rewriting the beginning
> and splitting it.  Hm.  I am still pondering whether this might be
> honed more, or whether it is time to draw that line in the sand.
>   

Definitely time to stick my oar in, then! 

> Revision Mk. 28:
>
> My esteemed parents did themselves the honor of traveling to Dragaera
> City for a holiday, enjoying that city's tolerably fine meals and
> expensive entertainments.  However, the unfortunate timing of their
> visit led to its interruption by the riots and uprisings preceding
> that crucial point in our history when the conflict between Lord Adron
> e'Kieron and Emperor Tortaalik erupted into open rebellion,
> culminating in the explosion of raw amorphia that transformed the city
> and its environs into the Lesser Sea of Chaos.  While I am happy to
> report that said parents had the good fortune to escape the Disaster
> and return home safely with their luggage, they pretended that due to
> the haste of their departure from the city, the only token of their
> adventure they could provide was, as you may perceive, this nearly
> unremarkable garment made of sadly cheap fabric; note the plain design
> of this common sort of shirt.
>  --  Two words from a certain Gentleman of the House of the Hawk.
>
> As ever, I nearly hope for comments.
>   

Gave up nearly hoping for consensus, eh?

I've been having increasing troubles with the "as you may perceive"; 
it's not right at that point in the sentence.  And now I realize that 
you can just move it later:

    the only token of their adventure they could provide was this nearly
    unremarkable garment, made, as you may perceive,
    of sadly cheap fabric


And the part after that has decayed pretty badly I think.

    note the plain design
    of this common sort of shirt.

      

I remember the interest in making "shirt" last (to go with "my" first), 
but I think it's distorted that phrase painfully.  It's neither elegant, 
convoluted, nor Paarfi-like to my ear.  And the "lousy" part of the 
original is pretty well handled already  by "unremarkable" and "sadly 
cheap fabric".   "Note the" doesn't sound like Paarfi to me, and "plain 
design" doesn't either.

So, what to do?  Well, I personally am not particularly attached to "my 
shirt" in the first place, so that makes it easy. 

However, others seem more interested, so how about just:

    in the form of a common shirt.

(with or without a comma before :-))

-- 
David Dyer-Bennet, dd-b at dd-b.net; http://dd-b.net/
Snapshots: http://dd-b.net/dd-b/SnapshotAlbum/data/
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Dragaera: http://dragaera.info